Thursday, November 10, 2011

can you feel the love hate?

It's a terrible afternoon :: the kids came home in a funk -- for lack of a better term. Anna had been SUPER needy today {like, as in, I couldn't look away from her or go to the bathroom or feed Sara or do anything without her demanding my undivided attention}. Plus she was tired and whiney. When the big kids walked through the door the "fun" really started :: Doors slamming. Stomping up the stairs, the kind of stomping that leads to fear that the house might, literally, fall apart. Yelling. {Oh, the yelling.} Tantrum throwing. Glasses bent {I think, intentionally} in a fit of rage. Throwing things. Screaming. Crying.

The crying may have been just me, I didn't stick around long enough to find out.

I went outside and sat on the steps leading to the basement {in the cold} and cried and prayed. But it followed me. Even from out there I could hear yelling and stomping and slamming. From outside! Even from outside I could feel the hate oozing out from the house. I hope and pray it's not really hate. I don't think it is. But it sure does feel like it.

I know no one has perfect kids, but in my mind other kids aren't this bad. They aren't this bratty. They aren't this needy. They aren't this whiney or jealous or moody or angry or disrespectful or mean-spirited.

Maybe I'm the one who is off-kilter. Maybe it's because of the constant, often intense pain of my messed up shoulder that I'm extra moody or sensitive. Sometimes I just feel like, clearly, I'm doing something wrong {if not, everything} because these people I'm trying hard to raise are a complete mess. I know deep down that they're not a complete mess, but I sure would appreciate it if they weren't quite so "messy" {literally and figuratively, I might add!}.

Alright, I'll quit now. Just keepin' it real.


  1. From the outside looking in I always see your kids as amazing and you as super parent. I feel the same way, and I only have one whiney, needy, door slamming 4 year old. Somedays are just that way. It's good to know that even super Moms feel like shipping off their kids to the highest bidder some days.

  2. Ugh-so sorry that the day turned that way! It. is. not. just. your. kids. I have thought that very thing same so many times. I hope today is better for all of you!

  3. It feels good to vent, doesn't it?! I know that you know that ALL moms have plenty of days that feel like this. Somehow we get through it and manage to love them all over again the next day. I can recall posting a blog not too long ago about giving myself a time-out and heading to the store alone. We all reach our breaking points!!

  4. Oh my SIL - I was thinking it today when Haddon body slammed Schaeffer for the 400th time in the last 2 days. And Schaeffer just screams and points and wants to get down when a. he can't walk and b. we don't understand what he's saying. Boy - I know there are the most joyful times with our kids, but I agree, it is not an easy journey.


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