can you feel the love hate?

It's a terrible afternoon :: the kids came home in a funk -- for lack of a better term. Anna had been SUPER needy today {like, as in, I couldn't look away from her or go to the bathroom or feed Sara or do anything without her demanding my undivided attention}. Plus she was tired and whiney. When the big kids walked through the door the "fun" really started :: Doors slamming. Stomping up the stairs, the kind of stomping that leads to fear that the house might, literally, fall apart. Yelling. {Oh, the yelling.} Tantrum throwing. Glasses bent {I think, intentionally} in a fit of rage. Throwing things. Screaming. Crying.

The crying may have been just me, I didn't stick around long enough to find out.

I went outside and sat on the steps leading to the basement {in the cold} and cried and prayed. But it followed me. Even from out there I could hear yelling and stomping and slamming. From outside! Even from outside I could feel the hate oozing out from the house. I hope and pray it's not really hate. I don't think it is. But it sure does feel like it.

I know no one has perfect kids, but in my mind other kids aren't this bad. They aren't this bratty. They aren't this needy. They aren't this whiney or jealous or moody or angry or disrespectful or mean-spirited.

Maybe I'm the one who is off-kilter. Maybe it's because of the constant, often intense pain of my messed up shoulder that I'm extra moody or sensitive. Sometimes I just feel like, clearly, I'm doing something wrong {if not, everything} because these people I'm trying hard to raise are a complete mess. I know deep down that they're not a complete mess, but I sure would appreciate it if they weren't quite so "messy" {literally and figuratively, I might add!}.

Alright, I'll quit now. Just keepin' it real.

thankful thursday

Today I'm thankful for a week that's {so far} pretty much normal. Without the extreme amount of drama and tension and anxiety and tears and lamenting as last week. {Don't get me wrong, our week has held all of that, but not as disproportionately as last week -- and for that, I'm thankful!}

Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow.

Matthew 6:34 (MSG)

Reality

I love my kids. They are wonderful and a blessing!
BUT, I scream at them every day and get frustrated and angry with them so very often. It makes me sad.

If I know you are coming over to my house, I'll clean it up and, chances are good, it'll look pretty nice.
BUT, if you stop by unexpectedly {which is fine by me . . . but consider yourself warned} it is more likely to look like this::





which, in all honesty, is how it looks most of the time. So don't be offended if the toilet isn't flushed.

Sometimes I take pictures of my messy house for my blog while my baby cries in her crib.

For some reason people think I have it all together.
BUT, I really, really don't! I'm overwhelmed with life on a daily basis. For example, I am often overwhelmed -- many times each day -- by the sheer volume of footwear and outerwear spread all over my kitchen::


I think that all my problems would be solved and the world would be a better place if I had a mudroom.
BUT, deep down {actually not even all that deep} I know that wouldn't really solve much of anything important.

My kids seem sweet, well-mannered, kind and nice looking on the outside. You might think them to be pretty smart and put together.
BUT, at home they can be a complete disaster {although still quite cute!}. I often have not the first clue what to do with them. A couple of them are actually going in soon to be evaluated for anxiety and depression. We are at the end of our knowledge and ability to help them. And are hoping for some help, ideas and solutions {maybe even drugs, Lord willing!}



I love cloth diapers. They save us money, are better for the environment and are better for the little butts that wear them. I've used cloth diapers for almost a dozen years now.
BUT (no pun intended!), anyone who tells you that cloth diapers are just as easy as disposables is lying. True, these days they are pretty easy and not nearly the work they were even 10 or 15 years ago, but HELLO!, you have to wash them. The other kind you just throw in the garbage. Any idiot can figure that out. That is why, for the time being -- at least until the holidays are behind us and I have a working clothes dryer -- Sara's adorable little butt will be clad in disposables. {which I can order online and have delivered right to my door. Praise God!}

I give my kids an apple and a pile of goldfish crackers and call it lunch . . . not everyday, but when you make them a "real" lunch and they don't eat even one bite of it, you decide it's easier and less wasteful to just save yourself the effort.

Kirb has worked in the finance industry for years. He knows money! We have less than 10 years left to pay on our mortgage. We give away a pretty decent percentage of our income to charity. I clip coupons.
BUT, money is tight and is something I'm never NOT thinking or worrying about: How many days until payday? Can we afford ______? Sometimes we don't have enough money to pay all the bills at the end of the month. Currently there is a note reading "$225" in the Disney Fund Jar where the kids contribute money to our long-awaited Disney vacation in June {our first time there!} because I borrowed cash from there a couple weeks ago when things got a bit tight.

Also, I have fabulous babysitters. Their names are Bob, Larry, Dora, Buzz, Woody, Sid the Science Kid, Super Why and Batman . . . among others. Yup, my kids watch TV. They also play Wii.

I have wonderful, fabulous girlfriends!
BUT, sometimes, for the life of me, I can't figure out why they would want to be friends with me.

So, that's my life. It is what it is. I still think it's {mostly} wonderful and I am {mostly} thankful! Just being real.