All the feels

It has been quite a week around here. So much "life" (and all that that entails) packed in to a few short days. The highs and the lows. The joys and the sorrows. I've shed so many different kinds of tears that I've nearly lost count.

I started the week with a funeral. Anna and I went together. That one isn't my story to tell, and not my loss directly, but it was a huge loss for people that I care about and came with with all the emotions of grief and shock and deep sorrow.

We followed funeral day with a tumultuous day for our family. That one's not really mine to tell either, but it was a hard, hard day. Lots of emotions and frustrations coupled with (and stemming from) cramped/out-of-routine living conditions and overtired people with lots of hormonal upheaval (ah, the tween/teen years!) can result in a pretty "impressive" explosion. I think we are still recovering from that one!

Next came the rollercoaster of emotions that you experience when you mark the passage of time. At our house we get a two-for-one on that experience, since two of our kids share a birthday. Our two oldest kiddos turned 18 and 16 last week. I can hardly wrap my brain around that fact. I am the parent of an adult (technically, anyway!). What in the actual heck is going on in the world? I feel like I was 18 not that long ago. Time is so weird like that! (It should be noted that I simultaneously feel 95 when the aches and pains come as I attempt to get out of bed in the morning . . . bursitis sucks and should be reserved for people who are at least 75!). All day I was full of thoughts and memories. I'm so proud of the amazing people that they are (and are still becoming -- aren't we all still becoming who we really are?)! I am so grateful for the opportunity to be their mom. Nothing else in life can compare to that privilege and responsibility! They have taught me so much over the years. Being a mom has grown me more than anything else in life. I tried to ignore the thoughts of all that I have done wrong as their mom and all the ways that I've messed them up, but those kept popping up anyway. I thought of and prayed over their futures and all that they still have ahead of them in life. Both the joys and the challenges. I remembered them as babies and toddlers and preschoolers and "big kids" and tweens. So very many memories! What a day.

Also, Jacob and Lydia were in the play at their school this weekend. After weeks and weeks of rehearsals, showtime was here. I think they were at school from about 7:30am until after 10pm every day this week (with the exception of Wednesday). Seussical was fabulous and they did a great job! I'm always happy when things come to an end, though, and life can settled down a bit again after the craziness of performance week!

The house project has had some stresses and kinks and delays this week and that only added to the general life stress. But it is really starting to come together and it looks great and I'm so excited for it to be finished and to start getting settled in and using our fabulous new space. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and we can do it!

We have some close family friends who are facing some really intense struggles, so not much time passes that I am not thinking of and praying for them and all that they are facing and in the middle of.

Then there was church . . . I pretty much always cry at church!

Life is so hard! And also so wonderful!. So much tension that we are caught between. I am grateful for the highs and the lows and having them all so interwoven. That is what makes life so real and wonderful. As much as the struggles are hard and no one wants them, the joys wouldn't/couldn't be as rich without the other side of the coin. Birthdays. Death. A beautiful sunrise. Illness. The wrinkly forehead of a newborn. A good book. Relational struggles and heartaches. Snuggling up with your child. Physical pain. The first cup of coffee in the morning. Friendship . . . life!

The week ahead holds yet another birthday, a work trip for Kirby and a band trip to NYC for Jacob. So it would seems things won't be settling down much for at least another week (and probably not then either)!

Senior Night

It was senior night for football this week. At the game on Wednesday night, they honored the seniors on the football team and their parents (as well as the senior team managers and cheerleaders). Jacob is healed up enough to be able to suit up and play again -- which we are thankful for. He's not 100% yet, I don't think, but he is certainly better than he has been for the past month.

at home, before school in the morning

The football team dressed up for school on game day and Jacob looked fabulous! (although I might, possibly, be a little biased) Tradition says that the mom of each senior is supposed to wear their son's jersey to the game that night. Let me tell you, those things are NOT comfortable! First of all, Jacob and I are not the same size! Also, since I wasn't wearing football pads, there was lots of excess fabric in the shoulder area that was crazy-making! I won't get in to the rest of my complaints about the jersey. At the first possible moment, I took that thing right off!

on the field, before the game

Each of the seniors was announced, along with their parents, before the start of the game. They mispronounced my name . . . but I guess it's not about me, right!? Ha! (I'm sure no one even noticed other than me.) After all the seniors and their parents were announced, we stayed on the field with the players for the national anthem. In addition to it being senior night, it was also "pink out". The ENTIRE student section was dressed all in pink to support those fighting cancer. More specifically, breast cancer. I was not unaware of the fact that my mom was in the stands watching her oldest grandchild play in his senior night football game on "pink out" night, almost 4 years after her own breast cancer diagnosis. If you know anything about me, you might not be surprised by the fact that all those things added together had me a bit verklempt!

Go Raiders!

In the end, the team pulled off a 41-20 win. I can't believe we are so close to the end of Jacob's high school football career. The days are long, but the years are short . . . so very true! We adore our #19 and are so very proud of him and the man he is becoming!

Celebrations

It was a big weekend at our house. We celebrated some birthdays. We had a lovely, very fun birthday dinner at my parent's house to celebrate Kirby's birthday, Sara's birthday and Allie's birthday. I won't give away everyone's ages, but combined they turned 92 . . . which is OLD!

Happy, happy birthday to 3 of my favorite people on the planet. My amazing husband, my sweet baby girl and my what-would-I-do-without-her best friend/sister. I am so very thankful for each of them. They are such blessings in my life, and the lives of so many others as well.

sister love

We don't get to all spend enough time together, so we enjoyed every minute of our Saturday together celebrating!

the birthday "kids"

two whole decades

2 decades. 20 years. 7,305 days. 175,320 hours. 6 kids. 2 addresses. 8 or 9 vehicles . . . 10 even, maybe. I've lost count. A lot of life has happened since the day we got married. It hasn't all been fun or easy or something we would have chosen, but it has all worked together to bring us to where we are today! Life is hard. Marriage is hard. Parenting is hard. But I don't think it's supposed to be easy! Good, but not easy! To celebrate our 20 years of marriage, we returned to Cape Cod, where we spent our honeymoon 20 years ago, when we were just "kids".

I still do 1996-2016

I'm not a big fan of travel, so it took me a few days to really feel settled and enjoy myself being away from home (and by then it was nearly time to head back), but we did have a wonderful trip and enjoyed our unhurried, calm, quiet time together. I have tagged along for a day or two of a work trip that Kirby was on, and we have "house-swapped" with my parents to celebrate an anniversary or gone away to a nearby town for one night, but this was our first real TRIP together (out of state, kid-free, no work commitments at all) since our honeymoon. It was just what we needed.

Our plane landed in Hartford (after an early-morning red-eye flight and a layover) in the early afternoon. We picked up our rental car and grabbed some lunch. Then we headed to the cemetery where my grandparents headstone is located. It was a beautiful day and I LOVE cemeteries and I hadn't seen the marker for my grandparents since it had been placed in the ground, so that was a great way to start our trip. Then we drove to Boston and walked around downtown for a few hours. We went in the Boston public library, walked through the public gardens, went by Cheers and saw the Boston Marathon finish line. After our quick self-guided tour, we hopped back in our car and headed to the hotel we were staying at that evening. Travel had worn us out, so we had pizza delivered to our room and turned in early.

State Veterans Cemetery, Middletown, Connecticut

Boston Marathon Finish Line

Super cool book art at the Boston Public Library

cool church window in Boston

 The next morning we got up, checked out of our hotel and went to church. We had hunted on the internet for a church in the area that we could go to that morning and ended up at one whose service started about 20 minutes after the scheduled time (the first service ran long -- they had a guest speaker . . . this maybe should have been a clue for us!). We finally headed in to the sanctuary and the service got started. It was significantly more charismatic than we are used to, and it made for an interesting morning. We snuck out a bit before the service was done, since we'd already been there nearly two hours, we were hungry and we wanted to get to the ocean! Driving to Cape Cod on a Sunday afternoon is much like driving north in Minnesota on a Sunday afternoon in the summer! You quickly realize that you are going the opposite direction of EVERYONE ELSE and for that you are so very grateful! We had lunch at a hole in the wall local place and then headed to the place we would call home for the next couple days. Ships Knees Inn. My dad's sister and her husband own and run the Inn, so we got a little family time in, too, visiting with them while we were away. We were go grateful for their hospitality and loved seeing how fabulous they are at their jobs! Best innkeepers ever!

Ships Knees Inn (we highly recommend you visit!)

Our shadows on the morning of our 20th anniversary

We took long, slow walks on the beach (it's hard to walk through beach sand any way other than slow!) and around town. We went to a movie (it was a rainy day!). We ate. We walked on the beach some more. We ate some more. We browsed in a quaint little shops. We toured an amazingly beautiful church with stunning architectural detail (again with the rain!). We want to another cemetery. We found a labyrinth a walked through that. (I LOVE labyrinths. Kirby didn't quite see why I love them so much). We saw seals (hundreds of them!). We listened to waves. We ran away laughing as waves crashed against our legs. We watched sunsets and sunrises. We enjoyed our time together and rested and relaxed and then were ready to head back to our state. Our house. Our kiddos.

A pair of seals in the water (hundreds more on a sandbar in the distance)

glorious sunset on Skaket Beach 9.20.16

my love

It was a great trip and one we hope to repeat again. Maybe we won't wait 20 more years next time! I am so thankful for twenty years of faithful, supportive love and encouragement mixed with lots of fun, laughter and heartache. Neither of us are perfect, but we are a pretty darn good pair!

amazing sunrise on our final morning

the "old" married couple who need major work on their selfie skills!

That's a wrap!

Well, another summer is in the books and another school year is up and running. This is a significant school year for our family as it marks some major milestones. Our baby is in full-day kindergarten. She is in heaven and LOVES every minute of it so far. Our other "baby" (who is not AT ALL a baby!), our very first baby, is a senior in high school. A SENIOR! On the one hand, I saw it coming -- he has lived more than 17 years. He has progressed, one year at a time, from kindergarten to first grade, to second grade and so on. From elementary school to middle school and then to high school. I'm not a complete idiot and I get how time works! But, on other hand it has caught me completely off guard. How can it be true? I don't think I have fully internalized the reality of it yet. All my people go to school all day, 5 days a week. 3 of them to high school and 3 of them to elementary school (praise the Lord for a year of respite from having a middle schooler!) I have a decent amount of time where I am not responsible for any short people and can pee and go to Costco without a sidekick! This day has been nearly 18 years in the making. I still am not sure what I think about it, though. I could become completely giddy and overwhelmed with excitement or burst into tears at any moment. It's a bit of a crap shoot. Consider yourself warned!

A few weeks back we were having some car trouble, so, if I wanted a vehicle to drive during the day (which, with 6 kids who needed to get shuttled to various activities, I did!), I had to drive Kirbs to (and from) work. So, I'd drop him off in the morning and drive the 3 or so miles back home to get on with my day. Well, one afternoon I drove on campus (in case you didn't know, he works at a local university) to pick him up after work and as I entered campus, I looked left. On the left, when you enter the campus, the first thing you see is the (beautiful!, new) athletic complex. On the football field that afternoon were lots of (big!) men in purple uniforms. At that moment it hit me (HARD!) that one year from that very moment, my "baby" would be out there with them. Donning a UNW uniform and practicing football. Living, not at our house with us, but on his own in a dorm! That wasn't an easy moment.

Summer is hard. This summer was hard! I don't know if summer is hard for me because it is hard for our family, or if summer is hard for our family because summer is hard for me. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Even with the hard of summer, it went by shockingly fast. I think there were a few backpacks that never even got unpacked before being packed back up again for the next school year. Before I knew it we were at the fair eating too many fried foods and trying to get to bed earlier, so that our return to the school year routine would be slightly less brutal. There were certainly some great things about this summer :: Rebekah had the time of her life working at camp all summer. There were walks in the woods and backyard bonfires and bike rides. We had a wonderful, just-what-we-needed time at family camp (although we missed Jacob who couldn't go with us due to football practice, but was well taken care of by his grandma)! We did some swimming and played at the park. We celebrated birthdays (my grandma's 90th, most notably!). We spent time with friends and grilled lots of stuff . . . but it was still a hard summer!

This summer wasn't only hard on our family. It was hard on our world. Locally. Nationally. Internationally. There is lots of crap going on in the world. And also lots and lots of good and beauty. That is how life is! (More on that in another blog post, possibly.)

We undertook some major house/property stuff this summer . . . . and into the fall. We removed 4 trees from our lot (a couple diseased, one old and decaying, and one that was just a nuisance and was in the way of some changes we want to make with our driveway). Tree removal is a spendy and loud endeavor! We got a new roof (unfortunately we had some shoddy workmanship when we replaced the roof a few years after moving in to the house, following some hail damage, and it was in BAD shape and also causing some leaking in our living room). Sara was disappointed that the house didn't really look any different once the new roof was on. I don't know what she expected, but clearly the new roof was not living up to her expectations. Also, when your very efficient roofing crew of 8 or so guys shows up at 7am and all get up on the roof to start ripping off old shingles, your kids will be a bit upset that their summer sleep schedule has been disturbed by quite a bit of noise that cannot be ignored! It seriously sounded like they were going to come right through the roof and join us inside the house! Roofing is a spendy and loud endeavor! We have a couple more projects coming yet this fall. Replacing/repairing the living room ceiling, which has nasty water damage, and replacing our old, rotting porch windows. Once the budget recovers from those blows, we will take on the driveway project (hopefully sometime in 2017). There's always something to do when you live in a 90-year old house!

Legacy

On August 23rd,1926 a baby was born to a family in southern Minnesota. Her parents named her Marjorie Joyce. She was the first girl in a family of boys. Nearly two decades later she would meet and marry a young man named Robert (Bob) and a few years after that they would have a daughter named Marcia, who would grow up and meet and marry a young name named Doug, and a couple years later they would have a daughter named Shana . . . and that daughter is me!

singing in the choir

My wonderful grandma turns 90 this month. We celebrated her birthday with a fabulous party over the weekend. She has meant so much to so many people over the years . . . and about 75 of them came to celebrate her birthday with her. 2 of her children, 2 of her grandchildren, 9 of her great-grandchildren, a couple nieces and nephews, many friends made many different ways (neighbors, church friends, current and former piano students, and people with whom she has worked and volunteered). Near the end of the party we had a short program. Kirby spoke a bit, the 2 little girls played the piano. Joey played his bells. She enjoyed the party and was thankful for each person who took the time to come and celebrate with her.

4 generations serving at Feed my Starving Children

Fletcher/Carlson/Stoll girls

My grandma has been a significant person in my life for all my years. From the time that I was 12 until I was 18, my grandparents lived in our house with us. Nearly every Saturday morning I would wander downstairs to their apartment after waking up and my grandma would make me waffles and fried potatoes (She gave me the waffle maker that she used to make all those waffles -- hundreds of them! -- as a wedding gift). I remember loving her my entire life, but those years of living in the same house made us closer than I think most kids are with their grandparents (although my kids are very close to their grandparents, too, and none of them live in our house with us). I know that my grandma prays for me every single day. What a blessing that is! My kids know (and love) her well. Although I met a few of my great-grandparents, I never really had much of a relationship with any of them. My kids have a meaningful, significant relationship with their great-grandma and for that I am so very thankful. I am so glad for each memory that they can make with her. We attend the same church as she does, and have 4 generations of our family worshipping together every single Sunday morning. I do not take that fact for granted, as I believe it to be a very special (and rare!) experience! My kids take (or have taken) piano lessons from her. My kids have spent one-on-one time with her and even slept over at her apartment with her. (Anna once got 48 solid hours of one-on-one time with her . . . and that's a pretty big deal, if you ask me! Those two have an extra-special bond!)

This is a blanket that my grandma made for us when I was a child
and now it is draped over my couch and my children (another
generation) snuggle up with it when the curl up on the couch.

My grandma has not had an easy life by any standard you might use. She lost a sibling while he was still young. She lost her first daughter when she was only 7 years old. She lost her husband just shy of their 50th anniversary. She has had many struggles. But she is a woman of extraordinary faith. She spoke a bit (very eloquently -- I did NOT inherit that ability) at her party about her life and the fact that "Trust and Obey" is her favorite hymn and the anthem of her life. Then she proceeded to play it for us on the piano. (It may not surprise you to know that I would have been singing along, if not for the fact that I was crying.)

When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do HIs good will, He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey. 

Refrain:
Trust and obey, for there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey. 

Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sign or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey. 

Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
But is blessed if we trust and obey. 

But we never can prove the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey. 

Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet,
Or we'll walk by His side in the way;
What He says we will do, where He send we will go;
Never fear, only trust and obey.

I am very thankful for the legacy that she has left (and is still leaving) to me and to my children. She is an amazing, talented women and I feel blessed to be her granddaughter.

The birthday girl with our family at the party

Fourteen

Happy, happy 14th birthday to our third-born kiddo, second-born daughter (who I was CERTAIN was going to be a boy!), big sister to 3, little sister to 2, almost-a-high-schooler Lydia Joy. LJ is fabulous and we are so thankful that God blessed our family with her 14 years ago today. I pray that this year ahead brings her many new adventures and experiences and times of learning. She is great and we love her lots!

At 14, Lydia is in to theater (she was in all 6 of the plays during her middle school career), her friends, church, hammock-ing, Frappuccinos, watching Gilmore Girls, taking walks, school (she is a top-notch student), Trout Lake Camp and Miranda Sings. She is a sweet, thoughtful girl who often makes me laugh. She is a great friend and a good sister (most of the time!). I'm looking forward to seeing what the year ahead will bring for her as she moves to high school.

4 weeks. 4 birthdays!

4 of our 6 kids have had a birthday in the past 4 weeks. That makes for lots of celebrating. Lots of cake. Lots of singing. Lots of birthday punches (51 total, to be exact!). Lots of gifts. Lots of cards. Lots of gratitude for each of their lives.

On March 23rd Jacob turned 17 and Rebekah turned 15.

Then just 5 days later, Anna turned 8.

Today, Joe turns 11.

It's so true what they say. "The days are long, but the years are short!" It is amazing to me at how quickly the years go by. That very first baby that I held in my arms who made me a mama is 17 already. In a year he will be a legal adult. He drives a car (and sometimes a HUGE van) and makes his own plans and very shortly will be moving out of our house. It all comes so fast. I am thrilled with the people each of our kids are becoming, but I miss the littleness of them. Snuggles on the couch aren't quite the same any more. They don't need me the same as they used to. They still need me, but it's so different. I love it and I also miss what used to be.

My favorite thing is watching them develop friendships with each other. They truly love and care about one another. And more and more they enjoy spending time together and are really becoming great friends. It is so wonderful for us to see. Besides the fact that they each love the Lord, nothing makes me happier than seeing them become friends with one another. I love they way they tease and support and annoy and encourage one another. I love seeing them come up with amazingly thoughtful gifts for one another that are so meaningful and special to the person they are giving them too. I love our kiddos and the wonderful people they are becoming!

What the birthday kids are in to these days ::

Jacob (17) ::
football
Ultimate Frisbee
church softball
anything sports-related
hanging out with friends
church
mowing lawns

YoungLife

Rebekah (15) ::
tennis
friends
taking driver's ed

Netflix
social media

Trout Lake Camp
coffee
babysitting

Miranda Sings

perfecting her Miranda Sings impression (it's pretty darn fabulous, if you ask me!)

YoungLife

Catalyst (before school Bible study)

church/youth group

laying in her hammock

babies

Gilmore Girls

Anna (8) ::
gymnastics
friends

biking

being outside

church (her friend Pastor Troy)

drawing

her newly-pierced ears

Joe (11) ::
all things sports
Nerf guns
school patrol -- walking line
reading
Koalas (he is OBSESSED!)
Legos
football/hockey/swimming/baseball
Marvel super heroes (especially Captain America)

biking

Fuller House (Netflix in general!)

being outside

I am so very grateful to have each of them as a part of our family!