Heavy-hearted . . . but hopeful

I feel like 2016 has been a rough year. It has been a rough year for me, personally. It has been a rough year for my family. It has been a rough year for my immediate community. It has been a rough year for our state. It has been a rough year for our nation. And, it has been a rough year for the world. Hurts. Struggles. Violence. Protests. Elections. Refugees. Wars. There is lots of bad stuff going on out there.

This week, especially, there are many hurting people around me. And, I would guess, around you as well. No matter what your political leanings or what candidate you voted for, I would hope that each of us in this nation (and many people around the world as well) have dealt with the goings on of the world with sobriety this week (figuratively, if not literally!). I would hope that, no matter what side of the line you find yourself on, you would be a bit heavy-hearted with me this week. There are many people in our nation who are hurting. People who are scared. People who are in mourning and are deeply wounded. Many of them are people that I love and care about deeply. And that fact hurts my heart!

There are many things that have made this year memorably rough a variety of levels. A major one that comes to mind for me, as far as my immediate community goes, is the shooting of Philando Castile. On July 6th of this year, Philando Castile was shot and killed by a police officer less than 2 miles from our home. This happened in my immediate neighborhood. Our community was thrust into the national spotlight overnight. Many people, even Twin Cities residents, had no idea where Falcon Heights was before this summer. Now people all over the country recognize the name of my community. My dad, one of our daughters and I took a bike ride the day after the shooting to join the gathering of people who were mourning, protesting, remembering and holding vigil at the location where Philando (Mr. Phil as he was known at the elementary school where he worked) was killed. It was an emotional and meaningful thing to be a part of. Many tears. Hugs between strangers. A heartfelt word to my young daughter from a black woman thanking her for coming to share in the "hard" of the moment. There was less anger than I expected; more deep sorrow.

The following week, the elementary school that our kids attend organized a gathering and peaceful walk to the memorial to show our concern over the violence happening in so many different communities in our nation, but specifically the violence that happened right outside our doors. It was a beautiful gathering of caring, concerned community members and I'm so thankful that we were able to be a part of it. It fells good and right to do something when you feel so overwhelmed and helpless. The three teachers from our school who organized the gathering are amazing people. Amazing leaders. Amazing teachers. I am very thankful to know them and have them influencing my kids! My talented friend Shaina (who has a fabulous name . . . even though it is spelled "wrong") took some very moving pictures of the event, which you can see here (see if you can spot any of our family members in the photos).

Although I live very close close to the location where the shooting took place, it is not a part of my normal, daily driving route. Because of that, it becomes easier to forget with time. More than 4 months have passed now and many people have moved on and forgotten at this point. However, one of our kids has a weekly appointment that brings us down the road where the memorial is, and so, on our drive home from our appointment every Thursday we drive by that spot. We remember. There is still a very large memorial on the side of the road. There still are people who remember and have not forgotten. People who are still hurting.

This week there are many people that I know personally and care about deeply who are very sad and hurt and disappointed in our nation. They are mourning and they are scared. Scared for themselves. Scared for their children. Scared for people that they love. This makes my heart feel heavy! I am a highly sensitive, deeply feeling person, so I realize I am in tune to the pain of others in a different way than people of a different personality type are, but I would hope that the deep sorrow of many in our nation would bring sorrow, in some degree, to each of us. Regardless of who I voted for, regardless of who you voted for, there are people around you who are hurting and I would hope that that fact would make your heart heavy too. I also realized that there are many people who are very happy about the outcome of the election (obviously, since Trump won), but I would hope that even those who are celebrating the victory of their candidate could be sympathetic and, hopefully even, empathetic to those around them who aren't feeling celebratory right now. It is a hard time for our nation. I realize I haven't been alive for all that many presidential elections relative to people that I know with many more years of life and wisdom, but I feel like this one is unprecedented in the level of angst and division that the outcome of the election has brought to the people of America. It feels different to me this time around. More divisive. Heavier. I, for one, hope to act in ways that bring peace and healing and a feeling of being loved to those who are hurting. Smile at a stranger. Be civil to those who you come in contact with who hold political views that differ from yours. Love your kids. Hug your friends. Make strides for peace in ways that you are able.

I want to be a safe place for both those who are happy with the state of our country as well as those who are hurting. I am very aware that I have friends and family members in both camps. People that I love and respect fall on both sides of this struggle and that makes things tricky, but not impossible.

But through all of the hard and the sad and the horrible, there are also many, many glimmers of good in the world. The world holds much hope! On Wednesday morning, after the election results were tallied and in, I went to school with my elementary kids to volunteer, as I do each Wednesday. The chatter of elementary school kids this particular morning was more interesting and insightful than it is most "normal" Wednesday mornings. The toast with cookie butter (yum!) and coffee and the amazingly beautiful sunrise that I witnessed that morning paired with the laughter of kids and seeing a student that was pretty discouraged a couple weeks ago flash me a smile (rare for this particular kid -- at least in my experience) and volunteering in a kindergarten classroom (gotta love kindergarteners!) were all good for my heavy heart! So while there is hard in the world and sad in the world and sorrow in the hearts of many of us, there is also so very much wonderful! The warmth of the sun on your back in November, the crunch of leaves underfoot, snuggling, health, newborn babies, meaningful work, laughter with friends, coffee, hugs, a beautiful sunset, people who love you through your yuck, naps, catching up on laundry, online shopping, a good book, music that moves you . . . be on the lookout for the good things in life. There are so very many. The seemingly little, insignificant ones are my favorite! Enjoy them. It's ok to be sad and it's ok to mourn and it's ok to hurt, but try not to forget about all the good that is still in the world. As Glennon Doyle Melton likes to say, "Life is brutiful!" Simultaneously brutal and beautiful. Intertwined. That's how it has always been and I imagine that is how it always will be! I'm going to try my hardest to focus on the beautiful and the good. It's easier sometimes than others, but it's always a good goal.

two whole decades

2 decades. 20 years. 7,305 days. 175,320 hours. 6 kids. 2 addresses. 8 or 9 vehicles . . . 10 even, maybe. I've lost count. A lot of life has happened since the day we got married. It hasn't all been fun or easy or something we would have chosen, but it has all worked together to bring us to where we are today! Life is hard. Marriage is hard. Parenting is hard. But I don't think it's supposed to be easy! Good, but not easy! To celebrate our 20 years of marriage, we returned to Cape Cod, where we spent our honeymoon 20 years ago, when we were just "kids".

I still do 1996-2016

I'm not a big fan of travel, so it took me a few days to really feel settled and enjoy myself being away from home (and by then it was nearly time to head back), but we did have a wonderful trip and enjoyed our unhurried, calm, quiet time together. I have tagged along for a day or two of a work trip that Kirby was on, and we have "house-swapped" with my parents to celebrate an anniversary or gone away to a nearby town for one night, but this was our first real TRIP together (out of state, kid-free, no work commitments at all) since our honeymoon. It was just what we needed.

Our plane landed in Hartford (after an early-morning red-eye flight and a layover) in the early afternoon. We picked up our rental car and grabbed some lunch. Then we headed to the cemetery where my grandparents headstone is located. It was a beautiful day and I LOVE cemeteries and I hadn't seen the marker for my grandparents since it had been placed in the ground, so that was a great way to start our trip. Then we drove to Boston and walked around downtown for a few hours. We went in the Boston public library, walked through the public gardens, went by Cheers and saw the Boston Marathon finish line. After our quick self-guided tour, we hopped back in our car and headed to the hotel we were staying at that evening. Travel had worn us out, so we had pizza delivered to our room and turned in early.

State Veterans Cemetery, Middletown, Connecticut

Boston Marathon Finish Line

Super cool book art at the Boston Public Library

cool church window in Boston

 The next morning we got up, checked out of our hotel and went to church. We had hunted on the internet for a church in the area that we could go to that morning and ended up at one whose service started about 20 minutes after the scheduled time (the first service ran long -- they had a guest speaker . . . this maybe should have been a clue for us!). We finally headed in to the sanctuary and the service got started. It was significantly more charismatic than we are used to, and it made for an interesting morning. We snuck out a bit before the service was done, since we'd already been there nearly two hours, we were hungry and we wanted to get to the ocean! Driving to Cape Cod on a Sunday afternoon is much like driving north in Minnesota on a Sunday afternoon in the summer! You quickly realize that you are going the opposite direction of EVERYONE ELSE and for that you are so very grateful! We had lunch at a hole in the wall local place and then headed to the place we would call home for the next couple days. Ships Knees Inn. My dad's sister and her husband own and run the Inn, so we got a little family time in, too, visiting with them while we were away. We were go grateful for their hospitality and loved seeing how fabulous they are at their jobs! Best innkeepers ever!

Ships Knees Inn (we highly recommend you visit!)

Our shadows on the morning of our 20th anniversary

We took long, slow walks on the beach (it's hard to walk through beach sand any way other than slow!) and around town. We went to a movie (it was a rainy day!). We ate. We walked on the beach some more. We ate some more. We browsed in a quaint little shops. We toured an amazingly beautiful church with stunning architectural detail (again with the rain!). We want to another cemetery. We found a labyrinth a walked through that. (I LOVE labyrinths. Kirby didn't quite see why I love them so much). We saw seals (hundreds of them!). We listened to waves. We ran away laughing as waves crashed against our legs. We watched sunsets and sunrises. We enjoyed our time together and rested and relaxed and then were ready to head back to our state. Our house. Our kiddos.

A pair of seals in the water (hundreds more on a sandbar in the distance)

glorious sunset on Skaket Beach 9.20.16

my love

It was a great trip and one we hope to repeat again. Maybe we won't wait 20 more years next time! I am so thankful for twenty years of faithful, supportive love and encouragement mixed with lots of fun, laughter and heartache. Neither of us are perfect, but we are a pretty darn good pair!

amazing sunrise on our final morning

the "old" married couple who need major work on their selfie skills!

History Lesson

We live about 2 miles from the place where my parents first met. It was a college campus then. The college has since moved (about 5 miles north), due to expansion, and the campus where they met in the 60's is now a job training center.

Earlier this year I was running by the old campus and decided that, although I'd heard stories from the time when my parents met and their early dating days, I wanted to do a walking tour of the start of their life together. See where it all began. Hear the stories while we were physically present in the place where they actually took place.

I told my mom and she thought it was a great idea. Schedules and weather and life made it tricky to pull off for a while, but, finally, this past weekend we took our family history tour. My mom brought her photo album from college and we saw the pictures from 1968 as we stood right where those pictures ware taken. Many of the buildings look the same (at least from the outside), which is fun. They pointed to the windows that had been their dorm rooms nearly 50 years ago. We walked around the buildings where they took classes and ate dinner and lived. I'm glad we had the chance to do it and to hear the stories. Our stories. Our history.

The campus as it looks today ::

The kids enjoying the campus green . . . at least until they got scolded and told not to play there.

Oh well, moving right along ::

All because two people fell in love.

The result of love found here nearly 50 years ago. Grandchildren (8 out of 9, anyway) with their grandparents in front of the dorm my mom lived in the year she met my dad. (I bet you never knew Cousin It was in our family, did ya?) ::

Getting them all to cooperate and look kinda normal-ish can be a challenge ::

The lovebirds. Right where it all began . . . 

The dorm that my dad lived in as it looks today ::

I'm so glad we got our visit in this fall. It was a beautiful day and I'm glad my kids have seen the pictures and heard the stories. It's important to know the stories and hear of the faithfulness of God to our family. What a great heritage we have.

Multitude Monday

I know, I know. It's Tuesday (again). What can I say? . . . here's my continuing Multitude "Monday" post which is part of a series started years ago on Ann's blog, which is a favorite of mine. If you've never checked it out, do yourself a favor and click on over. She's an amazing, gifted writer, a wonderful friend and an inspiration to so many (not to mention a mother of 6)!

"One Thousand Gifts"::

3797. a Wild jersey in a bag of hand-me-downs for Joe

3798. fresh haircut
3799. time with a friend
3800. Costco . . . I love it there
3801. The back door on our mailbox :: so I don't have to walk into the middle of the road to get the mail
3802. 20 degrees and no wind
3803. a nice afternoon run
3804. a gifted hotel room from a friend who travels a lot for work -- so we don't have to pay for lodging for Joe to go to the regional swim meet in Iowa
3805. my parents willingness to drive Joe to Iowa for the meet
3806. a nice group of friends who came over to learn more about health and wellness
3807. dinner with a delightful family from church
3808. a fabulous concert with the 3 "bigs" :: watching them worship is good for my soul
3809. surprising the kids with the fact that we had back-stage passes and would get to meet Toby Mac
3810. an injury-free, fun first time downhill skiing for Lydia
3811. Valentine candy and kids who share
3812. 22 years since I first fell for my Valentine
3813. a weather warm up
3714. a Valentine tea party at my mom's house (just the girls)

3815. the beauty of fresh snow
3816. a long weekend
3817. planning for a warm-weather, kidless get-away with my Valentine
3718. pancakes
3719. dinner at my parents house
3720. after-dinner game of Spinners
3721. crossing stuff off my LONG to do list :: one thing at a time
3722. Joe's excitement about the regional swim meet
3723. a good book, a warm blanket and a cup of coffee
3724. SugaRush donuts :: yum!
3725. sunshine
3726. the sound of birds singing
3727. walking the kids to school
3728. the sound of snow crunching under your feet
3729. restocking our Little Free Library
3730. 10 years since Evelyn's transplant (she was almost exactly the age Sara is now when she got her new heart . . . so thankful for her donor, wise doctors and her life)
3731. seeing Clarence at church again following his surgery
3732. chatting with our favorite 90-something neighbor who was out shoveling as we were coming home from a walk

 May you realize all the blessings the Lord brings your way and take the time to make note of them. (you'll be glad that you did!)

41

the happy couple last February on our family's celebration of the big 40th anniversary

Happy 41st Anniversary to my parents today! I am so thankful for them and their unwavering commitment to the Lord and each other and their family . . . not to mention their generous, giving spirits that have benefited so many people over the years. I'm praying this year ahead will be less eventful than the one they just made it through. Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad. I love you!

multitude monday

Here's my continuing Multitude Monday post which is part of a series started years ago on Ann's wonderful, amazing blog that is a favorite of mine. If you've never checked it out, do yourself a favor and click on over. She's an amazing, gifted writer and an inspiration (not to mention a mother of 6)!

"One Thousand Gifts"::

3016. fresh snow crunching under your feet
3017. book club :: love my book club girls!
3018. praying together with my friends for the sister of one of our dear friends who has cancer
3019. my Bible study :: such a blessing all around. the people. the study. the treats! love it!
3020. heart-shaped pancakes for Valentine's Day dinner
3021. our 22nd Valentine's Day spent together
3022. date night
3023. Chatterbox Pub
3024. an almond chai smoothie from Tea Garden {about as close to heaven as you can get . . . it had been SO long since I'd had one}
3025. Valentine lunch at my parent's house

pink ladies at our Valentine's lunch

3026. state swim meet at the U of M
3027. a relaxing, long weekend without much to do
3028. fresh haircuts for the boys {well, Joe and Kirb . . . Jake refuses!}
3029. good wrist check-up for Bekah, she can pretty much start doing everything again

May you realize all the blessings the Lord brings your way and take the time to make note of them. (you'll be glad that you did!)

flashback friday

Valentine's Day 1993 (or pretty close -- since I'm wearing that beautiful heart sweater and all, that sweater would be an even bigger shame if it was nowhere near Valentine's Day!) I would have to say that 20 years has improved us . . . at least wardrobe and hairstyle, if nothing else!

flashback friday

A little jeopardy for ya ::

answer :: 1.6 decades, 5,842 days, 140,208 hours, 16 years -- long enough for :: 6 kids, 1 apartment, 1 house, 1 major remodel, 6 jobs, 78 birthdays (16 for me, 16 for Kirb, 13 for Jacob, 11 for Rebekah, 10 for Lydia, 7 for Joe, 4 for Anna and 1 for Sara), 16 Christmases, at least a half dozen er visits, 2 extra-long family road trips, 1 pet, 9 vehicles, 2 different centuries . . .

question :: what is, "How long have Shana & Kirby been married?"

Today marks our 16th anniversary! I love my hubby even more today then I did on that (slightly rainy) September day in 1996! Thanks, Kirb, for 16 wonderful years of being my husband and best friend (you've been my best friend for over 20 years now, actually!) our life . . . it's quite a crazy ride. I'm so glad we're on it together! I LOVE YOU!

I hope you all enjoy these pictures of 2 little kids who were (and are still) very much in love! If you were there with us on that day, thanks for stickin' with us through the years! Take a minute to remember the yummy leaf cookies, the VW bug convertables, the flower girl who fell asleep almost immediately after walking down the aisle, the slideshow of baby pictures (which wasn't something everyone did, back in the day . . . it was new & exciting!), the live 4-piece string ensemble, blowing bubbles in the rain and the miriad of really cute little girls who charmed all who were there . . . just to name a few things. If you have other Carlson/Stoll wedding memories, I'd love to hear 'em!

So, were you there? Did you come celebrate with us? I know that many of you did! If you have a memory, any memory at all, of that day I would love to hear it: funny memories, random memories, sappy memories, cute memories . . . bring 'em on. I would love to know what it is you remember about our wedding day.

A BIG "Happy Anniversary" to my wonderful husband and, also, a BIG thanks to our family and friends who were there, took part and made the day so wonderful for us. The biggest thanks of all to the Lord for seeing fit to bring us together . . . I couldn't be happier!

I ran away

For weary mothers outnumbered by children.

To be played by squeaky, nails-on-the-chalkboard beginning violinists

A Lament

A Psalm of Shana

I could not take it one more second.

Will they never get to sleep?

With no shoes and no bra – in my jammies – I left

Straight out the door, without thought.

Walked down the road in the dark;

In the dark of night.

I cried out to the Lord, “I don’t even know what to say.

I can’t do it anymore. They are making me crazy.

I am quite possibly already crazy!”

I returned home and sat in a lawn chair

It was dark.

It was quiet and still.

I was cold.

Not ready, yet, to go back in,

I got in the van, reclined the seat and covered up with a size 6/7 raincoat I found strewn on the van floor.

It was surprisingly warm and comforting.

Finally someone came looking for me.

It was late.

I went inside, brushed my teeth and headed for bed.

The baby cried.

I ignored her.

I want to sleep.

When I lay down in my bed, one is there.

When I try the couch, one is there.

Oh when will they stay in their own beds?

How long, oh Lord, until they sleep through the night?

Sleep finally comes.

I wake and see an adorable, dirty, peaceful, sleeping face ringed with curls and remember the depth of my love.

Thankful that Your faithfulness is new with each morning.

Today is full to bursting. So much to juggle!
Lord, have mercy!
But then, really! harmonicas at 6:38?
Do they not understand some are still asleep and need to stay that way?

Let me remember the Mother's Day of just days ago,
Full of love and (relative) peace and blessings.
Return to me those children, oh Lord.
Return to me those children.

seventeen

seventeen years ago tonight he asked.

seventeen years ago tonight I said yes.

after more than 3 years of dating and nearly 4 years after we met.

with much fanfare and a big {surprise} party waiting for us at my parent's house.

two kids took the first major step into a life that is now so much more than these 2 could have imaged.

i might not be wearing that ring he gave me in the picture on my finger today {it's in a safe place, though}, but i'd answer the same again in a heartbeat!

multitude monday

Here's my continuing Multitude Monday post, which all started a while back, right here on a wonderful, amazing blog that I read each day.

"One Thousand Gifts":

1641. volunteering with friends and being stretched and coming out of my comfort zone
1642. a {wonderful} home to live in :: safe and warm
1643. 15 years a marriage
1644. an adventure with my mom
1645. a powerful message
1646. a wonderful, wonderful concert :: and sitting only about 10 feet from him made it all the better!
1647. a new family member :: our family decided so sponsor another child {through Compassion International -- we've sponsored Marilyn from CSC for years now!}. Melvin is 7 and lives in the Philippines. Welcome to the family, Melvin!
1648. worship
1649. fabulous, much-needed, wonderful night away for our anniversary::






1650. 1 football win and 2 soccer wins during the 27 hours we were gone
1651. a massage
1652. wandering around the farmers market on a chilly morning with my love
1653. a long, leisurely walk::

1654. the History Center :: I'd never been there without kids and it was such fun to take our time and look around
1655. the majesty of an eagle in flight
1656. home!
1657. dinner with friends
1658. a good, hard laugh

Alrighty, that's it's for now. Tune in next Monday for the next installment.

flashback friday

This post was originally written in February of 2009 after my nephew, Haddon's, dedication service. Having his little brother's dedicated recently reminded me of it. So, here's a flashback from my thoughts a couple years ago!

__________________________________________

Yesterday my sweet nephew, Haddon, was dedicated (in case you aren't up on baby dedication it's kind of in the same spirit as infant baptism in many churches . . . just without the water. The parents dedicate their child to the Lord and dedicated themselves to raising him (or her) to know and love the Lord and do their best to be godly parents.) I had never been to my brother and sister-in-law's church so it was great to see where they worship and be able to better picture them at church and with their congregation! It was a great service and we were so glad to be there! Haddon had quite the fan club there cheering him on and encouraging and supporting his great parents . . . 9 members of the Carlson family ( since there's 7 of us it's adds up fast, plus my parents were there . . . they wouldn't miss it for the world!), 7 members of the Erickson family (Jenn's family) and 8 of Jenn & Luke's closest friends. Afterward we had a celebration at a nearby restaurant. Good food and great times together. Haddon, we love you so much and are thrilled to know that you will be raised in a godly home!

Here are a couple pictures of the cute family and some of the thoughts behind dedication that I appreciated! (note: the pictures aren't great! The lighting wasn't the best . . . they meet in an elementary school gym . . . and we were far away. Plus, Joe spilled apple juice on my camera the other day and it's acting a little funny!)



The sermon brought up some things that had been stirring in my mind already for a little while. We were taught from I Corinthians 13 and although I didn't hear all of the sermon (I was on Joe patrol since the nursery was only for kids under 3, and he's not used to sitting with us in church) I did catch part of it that stuck with me. "Love is patient." The word used in this passage for patient is a word that means patience with people as opposed to patience with circumstances. I think I'd heard this before, but it struck me yesterday because it hit close to home due to some things I had been thinking about lately. I completely understand how patience with people and patience with circumstances are very different things . . . if only our language had different words for them too!

So, this is where it resonated with me: one of our kiddos (who will remain nameless!) usually wakes up pretty grumpy. She (that narrows it down for you) stomps around, slams doors, grunts, screams, cries and generally carries on for quite a while each morning . . . she wants to sleep longer, her clothes don't fit right, she doesn't want to finish her homework, her hair is too poofy (that may have given it away . . . oops!), the jeans she does want to wear are dirty, she doesn't want to practice her piano, her sister didn't pick up her crap in their shared room, she ran out of time and didn't get any breakfast and on and on it goes. It drives me crazy!!!! I talk to her constantly about changing her attitude, trying to not be so grumpy, etc. It's like I'm stuck in movie "Groundhog Day." Literally, we go through the same stuff almost every morning! Almost always, later in the day she will come up to me (sometimes as soon as before she goes to school, but often in the evening sometime or right before bed) and say, in complete sincerity, "Mom, I'm sorry for the way I acted." Every time I tell her that I forgive her and give her a hug . . . but sometimes I also continue the "better attitude" lecture from the morning and get a little grumpy myself trying to get through to her that if she really is sorry she should change her behavior. WOW! So much like my relationship with God. I do the same gross stuff over and over and sincerely am sorry about it later. But, his love is patient . . . patient with people . . . and he loves and forgives me each time without the lecture. I try to learn from that and follow His example, but it's tough!! I feel like if she really was sorry for being a grump that she would do better next time. But she's a child . . . and she really is sorry; I can tell. That's how God thinks of me, I imagine. I am thankful for his boundless love and forgiveness. So, I will keep trying to work on forgiving and wiping the slate clean each and every time . . . and pray for more peaceful mornings!


I designed this fun layout of I Corinthians 13 a few years back when we were challenged to memorize this whole chapter during a Bible Study I was part of. I handed out copies to all the girls in my group, because it's always more fun to work on something if it's cute and colorful, right? {Click on it to make it big enough to actually read.}