The apple and the tree

You know the saying "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Well, it would seem, the older it get the closer and closer I roll back toward the tree from which I fell. Maybe I didn't fall to far in the first place, but I just keep getting closer and closer to the tree with each passing year.

I recently posted this picture on Facebook of my mom holding me as a newborn. I posted it because it is a picture that I love and happened upon that day and thought was worth sharing. The response that I got was one I didn't expect. People actually thought the picture was of me holding one of my newborns! People who know me well and know my mom and see me on a regular basis. Weird! I knew we looked similar, but I didn't realize we looked THAT similar. I have known for a while that I am like my mom in many ways (unfortunately not as it relates to prowess in the kitchen or classy style!), but am realizing more and more ways that I am like my dad too.

My dad often comes home with random things that he finds. A pair of shoes from the side of the road. An entire floor worth of cubical "walls" from the dumpster outside an office building (possibly still gracing the furnace/utility room at my parent's previous house). Way too many wallets to count (all of which he returned to their grateful owners). Cell phones, entire bathroom vanities on someone's curb following a remodel, winter hats . . . you name it and he has probably "found" it at some point in his life (and worn it, when applicable). When I was a kid, this drove me crazy. Why on earth would you dig around in a nasty dumpster? What could be in there that you would possibly want? (I also didn't appreciate garage sales or thrift store or hand-me-downs in my younger days!) Fast forward a few decades and I bet you'll never guess what I spent my afternoon doing yesterday . . . digging through the dumpster in my front yard! First I dug some stuff out of there that really should be recycled and not thrown in a dumpster. (Thankfully I didn't get injured on a 90-year-old rusty nail in the process!) It is a pet peeve of mine if something is put in the trash that belongs in the recycling! After pulling out some cardboard, pop cans and plastic beverage bottles and moving them to our family recycling bin, the real treasure hunt could begin! The company doing our remodel doesn't have a dumpster at every job site, so sometimes there is stuff in our dumpster that is from another job they are working on. I salvaged some new scrap wood that I can use for crafty endeavors, some fun architectural salvage from another job site, and some old boards from our front porch that I will have to save for a special project. I spent the following hour or so, pulling out old rusty nails and screws, sanding and cleaning up my finds. I never would have imagined, at 15, or even 20, that I would follow in my dad's footsteps by scooping up free stuff off the side of the road and digging through dumpsters for potential treasures.

This all makes me wonder what things drive my kids crazy right now that they will end up doing themselves a few decades down the road.

My parents are fabulous people! I'm so glad to have had the blessing of such wonderful trees from which to fall!

Senior Night

It was senior night for football this week. At the game on Wednesday night, they honored the seniors on the football team and their parents (as well as the senior team managers and cheerleaders). Jacob is healed up enough to be able to suit up and play again -- which we are thankful for. He's not 100% yet, I don't think, but he is certainly better than he has been for the past month.

at home, before school in the morning

The football team dressed up for school on game day and Jacob looked fabulous! (although I might, possibly, be a little biased) Tradition says that the mom of each senior is supposed to wear their son's jersey to the game that night. Let me tell you, those things are NOT comfortable! First of all, Jacob and I are not the same size! Also, since I wasn't wearing football pads, there was lots of excess fabric in the shoulder area that was crazy-making! I won't get in to the rest of my complaints about the jersey. At the first possible moment, I took that thing right off!

on the field, before the game

Each of the seniors was announced, along with their parents, before the start of the game. They mispronounced my name . . . but I guess it's not about me, right!? Ha! (I'm sure no one even noticed other than me.) After all the seniors and their parents were announced, we stayed on the field with the players for the national anthem. In addition to it being senior night, it was also "pink out". The ENTIRE student section was dressed all in pink to support those fighting cancer. More specifically, breast cancer. I was not unaware of the fact that my mom was in the stands watching her oldest grandchild play in his senior night football game on "pink out" night, almost 4 years after her own breast cancer diagnosis. If you know anything about me, you might not be surprised by the fact that all those things added together had me a bit verklempt!

Go Raiders!

In the end, the team pulled off a 41-20 win. I can't believe we are so close to the end of Jacob's high school football career. The days are long, but the years are short . . . so very true! We adore our #19 and are so very proud of him and the man he is becoming!

Elementary school and our "village"

Our community is such a blessing. I love where we live and am so grateful! I try to not ever take it for granted. We are surrounded by wonderful people. I walk out my front door (actually I never walk out the front door, so make that the side door) and within about 10 minutes I can be deep in the woods spotting deer and fox and owls and all sorts of creatures. I can drive to Target or the library in less than 3 minutes . . . unless traffic is bad, then it might take 4 minutes. We have amazing parks and trails and outdoor spaces. It is a wonderful place to live and we are so blessed!

I adore our elementary school! I can't say enough good things about it! Amazing families. Fabulous teachers who are smart, gifted at what they do and have genuine care, love and concern for the kids that they are teaching. It's not perfect (no place is!), but it is so wonderful. It's a smaller, public K-6 school. It is far enough from our house (almost exactly a mile) that my kids qualify to be bussed, but for years we've walked to school pretty much every day. Joe is a walking patrol this year, which makes his "oath" similar to that of a postal worker, "in rain, snow, sleet or hail" or however that goes. The only times the walking line is cancelled is if the air temperature is below zero or the windchill is below 17 below. So, pretty much he has to walk every day, rain or shine. The other day, on the way home, the kids got pelted with some pretty serious hail! (I picked them up that day, after Joe had safely crossed the kids -- which only included his sister and the other walking patrol who has taken the same "oath" -- across the busy street. His most important job is to make sure everyone gets safely across Hamline Ave. After he had done that, I picked them up and drove them home. I even yelled at the other kid on the walking line to hop in and drove him home too.)

So, Joe carries a big orange flag and wears the reflective vest and the whole deal. We leave our house (via the SIDE door) about a half hour before school starts each morning. We pick up the neighbor girl 3 houses down and continue collecting kids along the way. We can have up to 10 kids in our "pack" by the time we get to school. I have walked with the kids from time to time over the years, but this year for the first time I get to walk them pretty much every day. (If my memory can be trusted, I've only missed 1 day so far this year). We've been hot. We've been cold. We've had to work hard to not blow over. We've gotten wet . . . sometimes REALLY wet. And still we walk. It is, truly, my very favorite part of the day. Fresh air in the morning. Time to talk with my kids and hear/see them interact with other kids who aren't their siblings. The morning/before school energy of elementary school kids is good for my soul.

Once we get to school, I wait outside with the kids until they go in. Sometimes, we even walk them in to their classrooms. And, on occasion, Sara and Anna play a trick on Anna's teacher where Sara walks into Anna's classroom (while Anna hides in the hall) and puts Anna's folder away and proceeds to sit in Anna's spot and "get to work". Bless her, Anna's teacher always "falls for it" and calls Sara "Anna" and tells her to start on her morning work. Anna's friends are all in on it too (they started doing it last year -- shockingly, last years teacher "fell for it" every time too. Amazing! These woman are saints, I tell you!). It doesn't ever take long before Sara's crazy laughter starts and she admits that she's not actually Anna and Anna comes in and gets to work. The teacher laughs and says "you fooled me" and I give Anna a hug and Sara and I head out to make the trip home again.

On any given morning there are probably a couple dozen parents who either walk with their kids to school or drive them and walk them in, rather than just dropping them off at the door. I love to watch other parents interact with their kids. The kids are all young enough that you see LOTS of have-a-good-day hugs and kisses between parents and their kids. You see kids high five their friends and hug their teachers. Now, I don't want to paint an unrealistic picture . . . you also see some tears, have to yell at kids to settle their bodies down a bit, see a kid push a classmate and hear words you wish kids that little kids wouldn't know, let alone say . . . but 95% of what I witness at that school each day brings a smile to my face and warmth to my heart. It is good for my soul!

Once in a while I will be there at the end of the day too. It is just as heart-warming at the end of the day as it is at the beginning. If you are in the younger wing of the school at the end of the day you will see LOTS of hugs. I'm pretty sure 90% of the younger kids have some type of physical contact with their teacher at the end of the day. Hugs, high fives, maybe a fist bump. Lot of hugs! It is so sweet. If you are in the other wing, where the older kids are, there are certainly less hugs (they are a big too old and cool for that), but you will still see some form of physical contact from many kids. Usually a high five. Some days it's enough to make me thankful for the sunglasses that I'm wearing which hide the tears welling up in my eyes. Such caring, loving, genuinely kind teachers and such sweet kiddos. My heart nearly bursts! And I am thankful!

On Tuesday mornings before school there is a student-led Bible study that meets at the high school. Often our two high schoolers get picked up by another neighborhood parent on these days . . . but on the days when I drive the early-morning crew to school on a Tuesday it also makes me crazy happy. Tooling around the neighborhood picking up kids in my big van while it's still dark (depending on the time of year and what side of daylight-savings you are on) and dropping them off at school before 7 to study the Bible before beginning their days is almost more than I can take. Last week I dropped off my 2 and 3 others (poor Jacob was the lone boy in the van . . . good thing he's used to it) and felt so much gratitude for countless, nameless things as I watched them walk in together. For their friendship, their love for God, their desire to get up early (I've never once "made" my kids go, they genuinely want to) to study the Bible, their boldness to attend a Bible study at their public high school, the Christian teachers that I know are in the building silently cheering them on, the wonderful community of people we have in our neighborhood who love my kids. And the list goes on.

I really couldn't even imagine living in a better place. I think it is really quite unique and not the norm, and I am so grateful! (The Roseville area visitor association didn't even pay me a penny to say any of this, in case you were wondering!)

multitude monday {another two-weeker}

Here's my continuing Multitude Monday post, which all started a while back, right here on Ann's wonderful, amazing blog that is a favorite of mine. If you've never checked it out, do yourself a favor and click on over. She's an amazing, gifted writer and an inspiration!

"One Thousand Gifts"::

2394. my grandma's sweet spirit
2395. birthday dinner made by my mom and delivered to our house during an extra-busy week
2396. many heart-felt birthday wishes from many wonderful people
2397. a birthday morning doorbell and (iced) coffee delivery from a thoughtful friend
2398. first guests staying in the basement
2399. 64 years of life for my dad -- what a blessing he is and a great example of selflessly serving others
2400. the Stoll reunion
2401. kids reuniting with their cousins and second cousins and second-cousins-once-removed or whatever all those relationships are
2402. Stoll family Bunco {or is it Bunko? these are things I just don't know!}
2403. basement 99% finished
2404. moving things back downstairs and reclaiming our house
2405. free birthday coffee coupons
2406. friends who pray for, laugh with {because what else can you do but laugh -- well, after you're done crying that is}, support and encourage me through the not-so-fun stuff of life
2407.wrapping up the summer soccer season
 
2408. Sara's good nature, even when sick
2409. fun Olympic party with neighborhood friends
2410. a fun, just-what-I-needed, life-giving night out with Al
2411. side-splitting laughter while shopping at Patina
2412. Chatterbox Pub {always a favorite!}
2413. making it through a rough week
2414. hope
2415. Jacob's friend Jack :: I love that kid!
2416. a fun day with Jacob :: he's pretty fabulous too!
2417. all-day VBS for the middle 4 kids at Como Park Lutheran
2418. 34 years of life for my brother. What a wonderful man of God he has grown into. I'm proud of you, Luke and am thankful that you're my brother!
2419. Sara's DAILY explosion of new language, she's picking up new words by the minute these day and it never ceases to amaze me. Today she pointed at the radio and told Jacob to "turn on KTIS." Honestly babe, you're not even 2.
2420. Kirb (or God :: maybe a bit of both) fixing the dryer
2421. my dad going to Menards to get a bunch more wood for me -- buying lumber is not the most fun errand to do with kids!
2422. unexpectedly bumping into a friend and catching up for a few minutes
2423. good days
2424. watching a bunny munch on the grass in our yard
2425. a good book, a cool evening and a little breeze ::  heavenly!
2426. geese flying through a beautiful sky
2427. harvesting peas, cukes and carrots in the back yard with Anna
2428. a glorious sunset :: what a loving, caring, thoughtful artist God is!

Alrighty, that's it's for now. Tune in next Monday for the next installment.

thankful thursday

This week one year ago the Metrodome roof caved in and we had to cancel our Christmas party because we had nearly a foot of snow. Yesterday it rained. Yup, rained! All day long. Weird!

Anyway, onto the thankful part :: In addition to being thankful for the mild weather we've had so far, I am so very, very thankful for my "village". You know how "they" say it takes a village to raise a child? (actually, first someone in Africa said it, and then Hillary Clinton published a book with that title and made it more popular) Anyway, it's so very true. Parenting is hard enough with a village, I can't imagine doing it alone!

I am always so thankful for my wonderful, wonderful village and all that they add to my life. In our "village" we have people who are gifted in basic car repair, an ER nurse who has saved us many a trip to the hospital (not to mention HUNDREDS of dollars) with his little tube of super glue and willing, helpful spirit, people willing to drive my kids here and there when we are heading in more directions than is humanly possible on any given day, playdates that save this mom's sanity, date night babysitting swaps, friends who will drop off forgotten violins at school so I don't have to wake the baby from a nap and people to bounce ideas off of or just vent to. My kids know that they can ALWAYS go home with any of the village parents, even if that wasn't the original plan. If a village mom says she's supposed to take you home, my kids know to just go with her :: she probably has better snacks and I'm sure her house is more fun than ours anyway! Isn't that wonderful? Our friends, especially those we are raising children alongside, are so much ore than just friends :: we're in this together. We can't do it alone. It's hared! We need to watch out for each other. We need "spies" who will tell us things about our kids that we would never have known or discovered on our own :: what they heard in a conversation between friends in the back of the van, what they noticed or picked up on when they were volunteering at school, what they hear from their kids about my kids . . . I'm so thankful for good, trusted, solid friends -- Christian friends -- to raise kids with. To steal a line from one of my favorite Sara Groves songs :: "Life with you is half as hard and twice as good!". I am thankful!

can you feel the love hate?

It's a terrible afternoon :: the kids came home in a funk -- for lack of a better term. Anna had been SUPER needy today {like, as in, I couldn't look away from her or go to the bathroom or feed Sara or do anything without her demanding my undivided attention}. Plus she was tired and whiney. When the big kids walked through the door the "fun" really started :: Doors slamming. Stomping up the stairs, the kind of stomping that leads to fear that the house might, literally, fall apart. Yelling. {Oh, the yelling.} Tantrum throwing. Glasses bent {I think, intentionally} in a fit of rage. Throwing things. Screaming. Crying.

The crying may have been just me, I didn't stick around long enough to find out.

I went outside and sat on the steps leading to the basement {in the cold} and cried and prayed. But it followed me. Even from out there I could hear yelling and stomping and slamming. From outside! Even from outside I could feel the hate oozing out from the house. I hope and pray it's not really hate. I don't think it is. But it sure does feel like it.

I know no one has perfect kids, but in my mind other kids aren't this bad. They aren't this bratty. They aren't this needy. They aren't this whiney or jealous or moody or angry or disrespectful or mean-spirited.

Maybe I'm the one who is off-kilter. Maybe it's because of the constant, often intense pain of my messed up shoulder that I'm extra moody or sensitive. Sometimes I just feel like, clearly, I'm doing something wrong {if not, everything} because these people I'm trying hard to raise are a complete mess. I know deep down that they're not a complete mess, but I sure would appreciate it if they weren't quite so "messy" {literally and figuratively, I might add!}.

Alright, I'll quit now. Just keepin' it real.

multitude monday

Here's my continuing Multitude Monday post, which all started a while back, right here.

"One Thousand Gifts":

1344. street sweepers
1345. a pretty {in addition to yummy} latte {the nice barista guy made a flower for me in my drink. I wish I'd had a camera}
1346. the return of springish weather
1347. answers to prayers I hadn't even thought to pray
1348. sacrificially loving and caring friends
1349. celebrating six years of Joe
1350. motivation
1351. a wonderful family Good Friday service
1352. spending our date night at another {powerful } Good Friday service
1353. an afternoon with my very best friend who I don't get to see nearly enough {and really cute toes to show for it . . . thanks Al!}
1354. an empty tomb . . . all else pales in comparison
1355. this {you might want a kleenex handy}
1356. a wonderful partner for this extra-challenging, often heart-breaking, always worthwhile job of parenting. I'd be a mess without him!
1357. reading poetry in the sidewalk with my family

Alrighty, that's it's for now. Tune in next Monday for the next installment.

multitude monday

Here's my continuing Multitude Monday post, which all started a while back, right here.

"One Thousand Gifts":

747. planning underway for next June's big family vacation
748. more than 24 consecutive hours spent with wonderful, wonderful friends
749. nice ER doctors {who remind the injured child of their favorite teacher} who staple your head closed again . . . and the dads who go along so the moms don't have to endure the emotional pain of watching staples go into skulls. YUCK!
750. tummy x-rays showing no more coins in Anna's tummy {we must have missed it on its exit during our week-long, thorough poop checks somehow . . . glad we went to much of that super fun work unnecessarily!}
751. surviving my nearly 9-hour long 8-kid day last week {9 kids if you're counting the one I'm carting around in front of me}
752. Schaeffer Christian Carlson
753. the hours at the front-end of the day, before I start waddling {by the end of the day, I can't do anything to stop the waddle . . . believe me, I've tried}
754. more than 32 weeks down, 8-ish left to go
755. life-long friends
756. sleepovers
757. birthday parties {happy 2nd birthday, sweet Ava!}
758. the anticipation of family camp
759. 3 days until the fair starts!
760. seeing the Elliott's {the circumstances under which we saw them boggle my mind quite a big, but we're thrilled to see them nonetheless!}
761. the laughter of kiddos
762. a trip to the zoo
763. a couple more things to check off on our summer list . . . and a few more extra fun ones to come in the week ahead
764. a safe 400K bike ride for my no-longer-in-his-30's {or even 40's or 50's} father . . . way to go, Dad. You're one of a kind!!
765. the little hint of fall in the air {but only for one day} we had last week
766. contentment
767. a big week for my brother's family::1 new baby, 30 years of life for Jenn, 6 years of marriage for Mr. & Mrs. Carlson {and before next week, 2 years of life for Haddon!}
768. the excitement of kids when given their very own cameras! {thanks, Elliotts!}
769. my grandma {it's her 84th birthday today!}

Alrighty, that's it's for now. Tune in next Monday for the next installment.

summer list::

I've mentioned it before and some of you were curious, so here's a little more info on our "summer list" tradition. {better late than never, right?}

For the past few years, we sit down as a family near-ish to the beginning of summer and brainstorm our "summer list" for the year. Anything that is spoken will be written down. If Jacob says he would like to "go to the moon" this summer, I'll write it on the list . . . although the chances that we'll take a summer trip to the moon are pretty much nil! Then, as we are looking for ideas of what to do with our days during the summer, we consult our list. Often during our list-making, one idea leads to another which leads to another. Many times we do really fun things that weren't even on the list {like last Saturday when we went to Split Rock Lighthouse and visited Duluth, or the weekend before when we went to the Kelley Farm}. Many things on the list remain undone by summer's end. But, we like having the list to consult from time to time. I try hard to write down dates of things from the list that we've done, so we can remember that, contrary to what the kids often say and think, we do do fun things. Things they wanted to do in the first place!

Here is our list for the Summer of 2010 {click on the pictures to enlarge them so they are big enough to read}::

How do you decide what fun things you will do with your summer? {We do a similar -- although abbreviated version -- for other breaks too::Christmas winter break and spring break, for example}

You'll notice there's still lots of stuff that we haven't done yet this summer that they kids would like to do. Hopefully we'll get around to a bunch more of them in this last month of summer break {we will go to the State Fair, no question about that. It's a given. You just can't go until the 2nd Thursday before Labor Day, so we still have a few more weeks until we even have opportunity to check that one off!} We never intend to do them all, but it's fun to dream big. Also, some of them are givens that we do very often, if not every day::play outside, family walks, etc. I don't even bother writing dates on those usually, but, trust me, they're getting done! So, yup, we do eat supper {which was an item someone wanted added to the list!} . . . most every night even!

Here's to a fun last bit of summer for us . . . and for you. Enjoy!

it blows my mind . . .

Don't ask me why this thought came into my head. I don't know! But it did, and I can't shake it::6 years from now, in the late-summer of 2016, I will be preparing to send my first-born off to his last year of high school and my baby off to kindergarten. I'm already a mess thinking about it! What a year that will be::a senior, a sophomore, a freshman, a 6th grader, a 3rd grader and a kindergartener. Yikes! Watch out, I'm quite sure I'm going to be a big puddle over it all! A little financial tip::you may want to buy extra Kleenex stock. {on a related note, I also figured out -- being the geeky, numbers girl that I am -- that by the time baby #6 graduates from 6th grade, we would have had at least one kiddo at Falcon Heights Elementary school every single year for 17 straight years. And Jacob didn't even go to kindergarten there. If he had, we'd be at 18 consecutive years. Do you think that qualifies as some kind of record?}

powerful words!

This post was just the reminder that my heart needed this morning as I mother our precious kiddos! {maybe you need it too. check it out}

sweet girl

Parenting . . . it's tough work. But there are rewards too. Wonderful rewards::

Our sweet LJ wrote this letter to her grandparents yesterday {and the day before, I guess. It seems to be a 2-day work!}.

If it's too small and you can't read it all, just click on it and it will {magically} get really big. {Ok, it's not really magic, but it is pretty cool}.

It would appear, though, that she has no interest in sending greetings along to her boy cousins. Just the girls. Well, the girl cousins and a few rodents. It seems Katie's hamster and rat rate high enough to be included {but, maybe they are girls. I'm really not sure}.

I love to see this side of her! All too often I see a different side. One that's not quite as fun. One I wouldn't so readily blog about. One that drives me {daily!} to the brink of insanity and child abuse! That's my girl. I love her! She can be so very, very sweet and caring and wonderful. She can also be quite maddening!


Today we ran a few errands together. Just the 2 of us. It was so fun to be with her. Just her. On our way home we were listening to my new Travis Cottrell CD that came in the mail today {yeah!} It's really good. From the backseat {technically, I guess it's the "middle" seat} I hear Lydia singing along with the final track. How on earth does she know "On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand"? I wonder to myself. We don't sing it too often at church. I'm sure we have it on a few CD's around our house, but I didn't know she knew it. It made my cry {not surprisingly!} to hear her singing those words. I still had tears in my eyes as we pulled in the driveway. I asked Kirb if he knew that she knew that one. He didn't either. I love that my kiddos know such wonderful, powerful words. Deep, life-changing words. Words that will stick with them for a lifetime and bring them comfort in tough times. Words that make me cry nearly every time I sing them.

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
but wholly lean on Jesus' name.

His oath, His covenant, His blood
Support me in the whelming flood
When all around my soul gives way
He then is all my Hope and Stay.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the Throne.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground is sinking sand.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand.
All other ground is sinking sand.

Praise God!

I love contemporary praise music. There are some very powerful lyrics there too, but I'm so thankful that my kids know hymns as well. There's nothing quite like them!

Thankful Thursday

I am so thankful for reminders! Reminders to live. To relax and take it all in. Reminders that life is good and often I'm too busy to notice. I get those reminders from my friends, my kids, things I read, stories and many other places. Today I'm thankful for the reminder that this particular story brought to me. It's long, but I hope you'll take a few minutes to read it . . . it really is a good one. I first read it as a forwarded email from a friend and stumbled upon it again recently.

On Being Mom

by Anna Quindlen,
Newsweek Columnist and Author

If not for the photographs, I might have a hard time believing they ever existed. The pensive infant with the swipe of dark bangs and the black button eyes of a Raggedy Andy doll. The placid baby with the yellow ringlets and the high piping voice. The sturdy toddler with the lower lip that curled into an apostrophe above her chin.

All my babies are gone now. I say this not in sorrow but in disbelief.

I take great satisfaction in what I have today: three almost-adults, two taller than I am, one closing in fast. Three people who read the same books I do and have learned not to be afraid of disagreeing with me in their opinion of them, who sometimes tell vulgar jokes that make me laugh until I choke and cry, who need razor blades and shower gel and privacy, who want to keep their doors closed more than I like.

Who, miraculously, go to the bathroom, zip up their jackets and move food from plate to mouth all by themselves. Like the trick soap I bought for the bathroom with a rubber ducky at its center, the baby is buried deep within each, barely discernible except through the unreliable haze of the past.

Everything in all the books I once pored over is finished for me now. Penelope Leach., T. Berry Brazelton., Dr. Spock. The ones on sibling rivalry and sleeping through the night and early-childhood education, all grown obsolete. Along with Goodnight Moon and Where the Wild Things Are, they are battered, spotted, well used. But I suspect that if you flipped the pages dust would rise like memories.

What those books taught me, finally, and what the women on the playground taught me, and the well-meaning relations --what they taught me, was that they couldn't really teach me very much at all. Raising children is presented at first as a true-false test, then becomes multiple choice, until finally, far along, you realize that it is an endless essay. No one knows anything. One child responds well to positive reinforcement, another can be managed only with a stern voice and a timeout. One child is toilet trained at 3, his sibling at 2.

When my first child was born, parents were told to put baby to bed on his belly so that he would not choke on his own spit-up. By the time my last arrived, babies were put down on their backs because of research on sudden infant death syndrome. To a new parent this evershifting certainty is terrifying, and then soothing.

Eventually you must learn to trust yourself. Eventually the research will follow. I remember 15 years ago poring over one of Dr. Brazelton's wonderful books on child development, in which he describes three different sorts of infants: average, quiet, and active. I was looking for a sub-quiet codicil for an 18-month old who did not walk. Was there something wrong with his fat little legs? Was there something wrong with his tiny little mind? Was he developmentally delayed, physically challenged? Was I insane?

Last year he went to China. Next year he goes to college. He can talk just fine. He can walk, too.

Every part of raising children is humbling, too. Believe me, mistakes were made. They have all been enshrined in the, 'Remember- When-Mom-Did Hall of Fame.' The outbursts, the temper tantrums, the bad language, mine, not theirs. The times the baby fell off the bed. The times I arrived late for preschool pickup. The nightmare sleepover. The horrible summer camp. The day when the youngest came barreling out of the classroom with a 98 on her geography test, and I responded, What did you get wrong? (She insisted I include that.) The time I ordered food at the McDonald's drive-through speaker and then drove away without picking it up from the window. (They all insisted I include that.) I did not allow them to watch the Simpsons for the first two seasons. What was I thinking?

But the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make while doing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of the three of them, sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4 and 1.

And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.

Even today I'm not sure what worked and what didn't, what was me and what was simply life. When they were very small, I suppose I thought someday they would become who they were because of what I'd done. Now I suspect they simply grew into their true selves because they demanded in a thousand ways that I back off and let them be.

The books said to be relaxed and I was often tense, matter-of-fact and I was sometimes over the top. And look how it all turned out. I wound up with the three people I like best in the world, who have done more than anyone to excavate my essential humanity.

That's what the books never told me. I was bound and determined to learn from the experts. It just took me a while to figure out who the experts were....

. . . so thankful for these precious kiddos!
I know that soon enough they will "leave the nest" and I'll be sad.

What's new?

I read this article today and thought it was very funny. Thankfully, my husband happens to be well above-average, so it didn't make me think too much about him. My children, however, are another story all together. I think that I might have to give this approach a better shot . . . I know it's stuff I "know" in the back of my mind and have heard lots of times before, but it's always nice to have a friendly reminder!

I was volunteering at the kid's school this morning when my cell phone rang {in case you didn't know it, I'm not really a cell phone person so my phone doesn't ring a whole lot . . . I, most likely, wouldn't even have one if I didn't have a kiddo with some major medical stuff. It's nice to know that I can be tracked down when the kids are at school if I'm needed}. Turns out Joe was not feelin' too hot at preschool and he wanted to come home. So I picked up a rather pale, warm, not-at-all-himself Joe from school and brought him home. He is napping, so that would be a sure sign that he really isn't feeling too great. Hopefully it will pass quickly, whatever it is!

Rebekah was the ONLY kid who slept all night last night! It was miserable. Kids up and back down, crying, crawling in bed with us, deciding to go back to their own beds, bad dreams, sleeping on our floor . . . the list goes on. What was that all about? you may ask. Well, to the best of my understanding, this is what was going on: Anna is just Anna and doesn't sleep all night yet. Lydia had a bad dream. Joe must have already not been feeling too great. Jacob, I think, was nervous about his standardized testing today and tomorrow. Rebekah, however, slept all night, so it could have been worse! {although not much, I don't think!}

What's that all about?

I was talking with a couple of my girls the other day {"Hi friends!"} and we were discussing something that I just can't get out of my mind. Ever since then it has been bugging me . . . which I guess is good because then I am more aware of it and can be more focused and intentional about doing something to change it.

So, we were talking about our kids and parenting and how tough it is. I said that if anyone else treated my kids the way I sometimes do I would be mortified. And I would never dream of treating anyone elses kids the way I sometimes treat my own. Now, I completely love and adore my children, so what in the world is that all about?

It would seem, though, that to a certain extent it is a timeless and universal problem. Even Paul had similar struggles:

We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do -- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. (Romans 7.14-20, emphasis mine!)

I find it a little funny how Paul worded this. All those "to do I do not do" . . . sounds almost silly when you read it, but I think most of us are thankful that he put words to his struggles {with some help from the Lord!} so that we can be encouraged by them. I know I am! Also, it popped into my head that that's a whole lot of "I do's" for a man who never got married!! :)

Thankfully that same guy also was able to say:

I can do everything through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4.13)

What an encouragement that is . . . those words were written by the same guy. He struggled, but yet he knew that with the Lord he could do everything! Lord, I need some of that strength; thanks so much for your willingness and ability to give it!

I'm so thankful that I have the Lord to help me through this, but it's still SUPER hard and most days I mess it up. Arrrggghhh! Anybody know where I coming from on this one? It is so good to have people who you can struggles though things with. True friends who will listen and not judge, but at the same time challenge you to be better and not just let you gripe. . . I'm so thankful for my wonderful friends!